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What is the "Compass of Shame?"

An article written by Harold Grossman, MD provides a fascinating and insightful look at how we experience the feeling of shame and how our defensive actions can be broken down into 4 types of categories. Each pole represents a scripted set of things that we say to ourselves and ways of behaving towards others.

1. Withdrawal:
• Isolating oneself
• Running and hiding
2. Attack self
• Self put-down
• Masochism
3. Attack other
• "Turning the tables"
• Blaming the victim
• Lashing out verbally or physically
4. Avoidance
• Denial
• Abusing drugs and alcohol
• Distraction through thrill-seeking

A Personal Conflict

To be completely honestly, I have fallen vulnerable to all the defensive reactions mentioned above, often not realizing that what I am doing is manifesting the shame or hurt that I feel inside. I once was involved in an argument with my best friend that at first seemed like a miscommunication. In my mind, it wasn" anything that a little debate and make up hugs after wouldn"t fix and we could continue being silly again. From the initial miscommunication, I then misinterpreted her intentions and lashed out at her with harsh and hurtful words. They were unrelenting and mean. I could even describe them as abusive. They were expressions of my hurt. I could not understand myself. To this day, I wish i didn" do what I did and that I should have stepped back to re-evaluate myself and the situation at hand before I proceeded with attacking her with my words, unfortunately at the expense of our friendship.

The source of conflict

I never quite understood and am still looking at myself to figure it out. It stems from my insecurity and need for reassurance from others. I was feeling underappreciated. In the moment, I felt unlovable and angry.

Handling Conflict

We gave each other time to reflect and reassess our feelings for each other. I communicated with her after several days when I was in a better place with myself. I simply asked for forgiveness and vowed to be conscientious of my words and actions in a time of vulnerability.

Lessons Learned

Productive communication is the essence of keeping happy, healthy relationships with friends and family. Communication is not the lashing out of anger and blame. It is actively listening, productively discussing and identying the root cause of why we feel the way we do. And lastly, it is a communication that represents love instead of instead of hate. I am still learning and trying to look within myself. I hope to take this lesson learned to DBC as I intend to create meaningful, life-long friendships from my experiences in San Francisco.